OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I cut my penus on the lid.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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