last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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