I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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