i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
