do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
