New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
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