I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
