My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
