i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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