I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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