If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
