your parents love me but you hate me
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
