You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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