Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The best revenge is premature balding
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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