you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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