Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
