Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
