If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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