You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I puked a lego.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
