if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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