I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
