I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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