my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
