don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
