So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
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if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
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