Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
