Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she told me i tasted like america
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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