Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
