is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
