I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
