I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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