i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
