Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
