Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
