god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
