My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
