I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
