you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
