I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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