Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
