i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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