I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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