...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
