What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
