Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
