Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
