I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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