i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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