i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
