i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I want to fling myself into the sun
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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