My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
