Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
