i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
