Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
