he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
