Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
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