i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
