I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Four minutes until I can fart!
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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