just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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